When You Sacrifice Your Health To “Fit” The Culture

I have made a couple of posts recently about my views on the shifting culture surrounding the current acceptable “momminess”. When I was growing up, social media did not exist and the big focus was on magazines and celebrities unrealistic body images after having children.

Here we are today, we have reached a place where corporations are recognizing the “real” body image, Dove and new companies like Kinx – “Intimates For Real Life” are using real untouched woman in all of their photos and ads and then we have ourselves on social media undoing all of it.

If I scroll through my Instagram feed 85% of what I see are “selfies” of woman with their drink mixes or supplements posting about their Keto meals and workouts. I am all for being healthy but there is an undoing of what we are trying so hard to achieve, at least what I know I would want my own daughter to see.

Am I being too harsh? If you want to dedicate your life to your own fitness and happiness then I get it, I am not judging what you do, I am honestly just saddened by the social media image we are sending other moms and I am going to share my story with you so perhaps you understand, the effect that it can have on others.

On Oct 2, 2015 I gave birth to a sweet baby girl who had a known heart defect. She was rushed to the CICU where she spent the remainder of her short 26 days. When I should have been focused on myself and cuddling my daughter I instead was forced into no recovery and spending my postpartum in a small little room while my new baby lay helpless and full of tubes on life support.

Here I am, surrounded by this cultural expectation to get me body back into my pre-pregnancy shape. Why, because culture has made new moms feel like they have to be engaging in wraps and workouts and magic potions.

Google Postpartum and you will see the divide, at the same time companies are making a profit off of postpartum shape wear and belts and bands to shrink your hips we have articles on depression medications and signs and warnings related to mental health.

So, here I am at the hospital completely sucked into this trend with 3 belly bands, hip shrinkers and supplements to get that body back, oh and is there a gym at the Children’s Hospital?

I had seen some of the blogs I follow, moms taking after photos with their cute new babies and their skinny bodies, although their posts always say something about how horrible they look… If they can do it so can I, something must be wrong with me otherwise.

On day 3 I started hemorrhaging, I did not even tell anyone but I know it was from the fact that I was pushing myself to recover. Everyone was so focused on my baby that I just hid it, lucky for me there were no consequences to my stupid choices. My baby passes away and I went into a psychological state of hell. In 2014 I became anorexic and lost 50 lbs in 12 weeks. Guess who started back down that road? This need to be perfect, the perfect mom, clean house, career, textbook everything sent me into a bad place. My life literally unraveled before my eyes for the second time…

This is why I am pretty sensitive when I see a new mom make a post on a social media page asking if they can do their liquid “detox” diet while nursing and on their personal page they are also posting pictures of a scale each day with their weight.

We get to this place where the industries advertising clothing and intimates are moving into a world of celebrating body image, we have brave mommas posting their c-section scars, cellulite and stretch marks as ACCOMPLISHMENTS and on the other spectrum we have a push for mommy fitness.

I leave you with this, being a mom is HARD! Juggling your house, children and all the other tasks does not leave you much for self-care. Take a moment, LOVE who you are. Be picky about the social media you follow, remember ANYONE can post only their perfections but rarely does anyone have the courage to post their reality.

Having struggled with anorexia and body image myself I can tell you that for me it is a way to self-medicate, starving myself and trying to find the perfect body image has been a cover up, a way to try to like myself…. Don’t get caught up in perfection, it is not worth giving up the precious things in life. Be your own healthy and don’t be OBSESSED.

-AJ- Honest Sassy Mama

Surround Yourself With People Who Are Honest, There Is No Question Who They Really Are

I am a blunt person, anyone who knows me will agree with you. I just don’t see the point in pretending to be something I am not, either physically, spiritually or mentally. People in my life either find this to be refreshing or insulting.

Fake PEOPLE are incredibly uncomfortable around blunt personalities. They live in a squishy bubble and protect themselves by insulating that bubble with this imaginary layer that they want others to see.   A fake person views an honest person as an enemy with a sharp object that is threatening to pierce through their layer.

I see this all of the time when it comes to people who are insecure. They are scared to death to be around someone who is not afraid to be honest and call it like it is. Nothing is scarier than having someone else be able to see through your layer, let alone expose that layer to others, so they ensure that the honest blunt person is the enemy.

If you become the enemy of a fake persons hold on for the ride because part of their issue is they are not comfortable being alone and will recruit everyone around them into a circle of gossip so that they overcome their insecurity with the approval of others. In a need to be accepted they will often exaggerate or twist things ever so slightly to their favor in order to make you look bad.

Is it worth giving up your authentic honest self to “fit” in or have more friends? I would rather be the most hated person on the block that not be true to myself.

I know who really has my back and who is more interested in gaining ground for themselves. Not the kind of person I ever want by myside in battle.

-AJ- Honest Sassy Mama

Not all people are worth peopling…

My friend sent an interesting text tonight about how she is a people person but not a “stupid” people person.  Prior to this text I had just had the same type of thought. I was at the cemetery mowing the lawn while listening to an audio book thinking about how great the company was, none of the people there take away any of my energy like the living do.

Now, I keep my own circle small because the larger the circle you have the more likely you are to be filling that circle with fake people.  Personally, being an empath the first thing I do is look into someone’s eyes, I can see others energy, feel their truth or lies and know if they are putting on a show. This leaves me less options when it comes to who I have close.

I am known for my peopling skills because while I keep my own inner circle very small, through my life I have learned how to adapt and where to focus my energy. When I am in a situation where I get to use this “peopling” talent to entertain someone else it drains me of my energy like a hole in a cup. Like any hole, I have to go through steps to repair and replace what has been lost. Given this, I am VERY picky on whom, what situation, and where I am willing to spend my energies on people who are not authentic.

If you also like to keep your circle small, you too may have discovered, perhaps unknowingly that loyalty comes at a social price in regards to the amount of people you have around that you can turn to. Have no worries though, while you may only have 5 to someone else’s 500 your 5 are rare gems compared to their fake people made of stone.

Vengeful People – Psychology of Revenge

One of the best pieces of advice was given to me about a year ago, “you need therapy”. I had just felt the spirit leave my daughter’s body while I held her against me, taking in those last few seconds and going into shock that she was gone. So yes, I did need therapy, wouldn’t you?

What is really interesting is that the person who suggested that I start therapy is the person who I found out with the help of a therapist was causing me severe emotional damage and ruining my marriage. Somewhat ironic that the person who gave me the best advice was also the part of the reason I needed to see a therapist.

Fast forward to where I am today, 12 months later. There have been so many things that have happened, especially for Dave and I. With a lot of dedication and work we are now at a place where we communicate clearly and understand the hurt that both of us have experienced in the past. We are building each other up instead of tearing each other down. Somewhere along the way in the process of becoming happier people focused on service and helping others after what we went through with our daughter we noticed some passive aggressive behaviors around us.

As we have moved into this positive place in our life it is amazing to me the people that are vengeful, is it irritating to see people be happy, is this some king of jealousy issue? So being that I like to do research I took a deeper dive into the “psychology of vengefulness and revenge”.

For the record, I do make an attempt to use clear concise communication with people; they just don’t always like it. When you point out that someone is doing something illegal, inappropriate, just to put it clear “not honest in their daily dealings” and suddenly they are upset because their entire life they have been able to get away with it and “opps” someone with courage stood up to them they can get a little heated. Keep in mind, I don’t run around pointing out peoples faults, that’s not what this is about, this is about someone acting in a way that is hurting other people and causing them emotional issues, financial costs or whatever it may be, you are having a negative impact on someone else because you are being selfish and those other people don’t know how or are afraid to stop you and say something.

Then the person has a complete melt down freak out because they don’t know how to be accountable for their behavior and they strike back with “revenge”. I’m not sure if in their minds this revenge behavior is part of a high school reenactment or a craving to live a scene from “Hamlet”, I am going to go with the first in the most recent situation I faced because I am fairly certain that the person I have encountered conducting this behavior would think “Hamlet” was the name of a farmers pig.

So anyway, I enjoyed my little bit of reading and found an interesting correlation between neuroticism, anger and people who seek revenge. Joseph Burgo who wrote The Narcissist You Know, attributes this vengefulness to unconscious shame and the person who is attacking feels a need to defend themselves. That shame leaves the person vulnerable to anything that looks even vaguely like an attack, this in turn causes anger and the person reacts with no boundaries.

Clearly I have witnessed this and it usually becomes some type of aggressive rumor that is meant to hurt and destroy but has no truth other than what the person fabricates in their mind. The “you hurt me so I will hurt you back” mentality.

Honestly, I had a fantasy as a child that adults did not participate in this behavior, wrong. Aggressiveness, lies and revenge all show up to the race when you’re up against team insecurity, so hold your reins tight because these people are experienced in chaos and can make your life quite a miserable place if you don’t disassociate yourself, at least the best you can.

So there you go, I guess that even as adults we will never be free from the pettiness that I prayed was left behind in my younger years, it apparently follows some.

So whether you are here to enjoy my sarcastic posts, read through my spiritual encouragement, learning to love yourself regardless of your race, culture, religion, tattoos, drug addictions, or you’re spying on me to run and gossip, I welcome all unconditionally.

~AJ~ Honest Sassy Mama